According to a survey conducted in October 2022 by prominent researchers at the Pew Research Center, 8 of 10 American adults believe a gender pay gap exists because employers treat women differently.

To that, the perceptive people of the Proud Paternal Party say “preposterous!” as such a disingenuous statistic sways the public mind away from the evils of feminism, especially in its latest wave, and distracts from its consistent threat to male power. In order to restore order and peace to a depreciating world, feminists must answer for their crimes against their masculine dominion and their continued assertion of social equality among genders, lest the world of man crumble.

Taking any point in humanity’s grandeur of history, one cannot help but observe the ubiquitous and consistent superiority of man. This quality has long been ignored by feminists, who focused more so on improving their own rights, and has more than stood the test of time; that is, until now. Fourth-wave feminism challenges male power more than any wave prior through its direct assault of male privilege, a most misunderstood necessary evil. In a contemporary University of Arizona journal, female student Caitlin Claypool reveres this late wave of feminism, expressing how, because of the movement, she never felt “any career path was impossible for [her] just because [she] was a woman.” However, this freedom comes with a grave price; for every woman made free, another man is made the opposite, and for every woman allowed to succeed, another man is forced to grovel. Women in business, especially leadership positions, force men off the positions they have exclusively enjoyed for centuries, even forcing some to adopt an uncomfortable life at home, a most unusual yet terribly cruel punishment: What is worse than having to tend to a home seven days a week, after all? As troublesome as it may be, former U.S. Secretary of State and presidential runner-up Hillary Clinton also defends this notion in her 1995 “Women’s Rights are Human Rights” speech, reasoning that, just as every man has, “every woman deserves a chance to realize her own God-given potential.” Consistent with Claypool’s appraisal, Clinton’s speech also emphasizes a supposedly inert equality among genders that affords women the same opportunities as men. Needless to say, this inert equality does not exist: Historically, men have just done more than women. While women have stayed at home–willingly–and raised children–willingly–and served their husbands–willingly–and lived quiet, unexpressive lives–willingly–men have already proven themselves to be adequate workers! After all, in a world full of women yet to prove themselves, who else makes better job candidates than the same group behind money-grabbing trusts, soulless corporations, and human right violations at work? Today’s feminism may work towards equal gender opportunity, but as history has more than clearly shown, equal opportunity may not work towards a better society.

Surprisingly, it actually may even serve as a detriment: Perhaps society thrives off of inequality, and can only move forward with one, minor group to take charge. Just as a kingdom would fall without its all-powerful king, an army falter without its commanding general, or a classroom idle without its assertive teacher, perhaps society would crumble without an authoritative man to lead the way. Needless to say, this claim is unpopular among feminists, who confuse authority with criminality.

An Encyclopedia Britannica article detailing the rise of the #MeToo movement–a movement that raises awareness for rape culture–describes its growth to eventually “[condemn] dozens of powerful men in politics, business, entertainment, and the news media.” However, in the absence of male figures, what will become of politics, industries, and societies around the globe? Without men to run things, the uninspired working man will grow dissonant, the un-enraged women will grow complacent, and overall, societal progress will stagnate. Surely, women do not make better candidates for these jobs than the literal rapists, sexual abusers, and predators that #MeToo aims to bring to justice; the exclusion of women all but makes sense when great men like these take their stead! As Clinton again asserts, “when women are excluded… they become even more vulnerable to abuse,” and maybe this very abuse keeps society going! For every woman forced into failure, another man gets to enjoy success, for every woman beaten into despair, another man gets to have dreams, and for every woman left in the shadow of progress, another man gets to experience its light. For society to move forward, women must struggle and suffer and grovel so that man may lead them–and so that men may proceed unimpeded.

This fundamental, time-tested concept holds true in even the most advanced, just, and “woke” of societies. Take the United States of America for example: According to Claypool, feminism in its latest wave has ascended as an “intersectional [movement]” that “[takes] on the fight for not only women but also other identities who are underrepresented today.” However, in spite of Claypool’s criticism, this underrepresentation actually serves a greater purpose than many feminists care to understand; perhaps it would do Claypool well to know that Arizona, her beloved home and place of study, sits well under the jurisdiction of the United States government; perhaps it would do her well to know that within said nation’s very declaration of independence lies the noble clause “all men are created equal.” Perhaps it would do her well to carefully examine the word choice of said clause, and perhaps it would do her well to discern that it reads “men” not “women;” perhaps then she may realize that, in reality, her very own country’s founding document says nothing about women being equal to men at all! Even in a country like the United States where massive capital demonstrations, like the Women’s March of 2016, appear to bring the entire nation together for feminism, nothing will change so long as the country’s patriarchal roots, so tangled among its founding principles, remain. Even in the face of three billion women, the world of man would just counter with a billion more of their own; even in the face of a massive woman’s insurrection, the world of man would just double down with an even harsher patriarchal regime, and even in the face of real progress, the world of man would just continue to perpetuate hateful and regressive traditions. Despite how far they may have come, in the face of the Proud Paternal Party, feminists stand no chance; actually, they should just give up, for the world of man will forever impede them in the interest of a most Utopian, misogynistic, and patriarchal society.

More so than any other movement before it, fourth-wave feminism has moved people; it has unified a diverse selection of oppressed people, even beyond women, pushed countless systems, people, and governments towards equal gender opportunity, and it has protected the weakest of society through its vast numbers. Nevertheless, in doing so, this wave of feminism has attacked the strongest members of society–the strongest innovators, brightest leaders, and toughest workers; it has hurt the men. For society to move forward, it must exist as unequal, lopsided, and patriarchal as possible, feminists must give up their noble cause, and the pernicious patriarchal patterns of the past must persist, for there is simply no other alternative.

Editor’s Note: This satirical piece was adapted from an assignment for AP Language & Composition.